Oh Happy Days.

I was first diagnosed with depression when I was 18.  Fun age to be depressed huh?!  When I look back, I think I was before then, but everyone, including myself, put it down to teenage angst.  I first went on tablets at 18 but I never took them, I don't know why.  They interfered with my drinking perhaps?!

I was on and off tablets after that until I fell pregnant with Liam, in 2005.  The night I had Liam, I felt a terrible wave of fear, helplessness and despair wash over me.  He was lying next to me in the hospital bed and I was trying attempt number 2000000 to breastfeed the poor little man.  He was obviously frustrated and hungry, and I was just frustrated and I rose my fist and shook at him.  Can you believe I did that?  Not even a day old and I was already a raving lunatic.  Poor little boy.  I didn't do anything, I think it was just an outlet, but it makes me sick to the stomach to even think about it.  I woke up the next morning crying and told myself it was the "baby blues" that I had heard so much about.  My boobs were sore, I was hooked up to a drip, and I was 12 hours out from having an emergency caesarean.  Who wouldn't cry?!  Things didn't improve much once we got home either and it wasn't long before I was on tablets again.  I stayed on them until I fell pregnant with Joseph, then was straight back on them after he was born.

My depression varies.  Sometimes, I am a neurotic mess, wanting to pull my hair out and forever screaming at the kids, then running to my room and crying.  Other times, I just want to be held and told that I'm loved.  I'm either cranky, or good old "down in the dumps".  There are times that I just want to be left alone.  I won't answer the phone, I don't make arrangements to catch up with anyone and I stay indoors.  It doesn't take much to trigger my depression.  It could be as little as someone scowling at me in the shopping centre, or watching a movie.  I can get myself out of it sometimes with a good, stern talking to.  Other times, it takes a bit more then that.  I am very fortunate to have a wonderful GP, who keeps me on the straight and narrow.  I see him once a month to discuss my medication, and my moods.  I also see a psychologist, although I have recently stopped seeing him and am hoping to get in to see a new one.  If I ever pick up the phone!

My depression has been managed with tablets constantly since before Clancy came along.  I did want to stop the tablets while I was pregnant, but my GP and Obstetrician monitored me, and lowered my dose each trimester.  If I forget to take my tablets one day, you can guarantee that one to two days later, I am the above mentioned crazy lady. 

I wish that I didn't have depression, but it is something that I have accepted that I have, and probably always will.  I'm not ashamed to admit it to anyone, if the ask, I tell them. 

Please, if you think that you or a friend may be depressed, seek help.  If you aren't comfortable talking to someone in person, call Lifeline.  Many people don't need to take medication for depression, many people don't even need to see someone about it, it can just be monitored and controlled with a few simple tips. 

Take care of yourselves, and try and smile at least once a day.  It is hard, I know, but it is worth it!

Lots of love always xxxx